Relaxing with Lucas
Everything begins with the best of intentions. The blog before this mentioned my getting stronger and healthier and doing what needed to be done to accomplish those goals. Well, just like that, with absolutely no warning, I am down for the count. Yep, it happened again…my back.
I was going about my business getting some much-needed cleaning done in the house when I started to feel a familiar and unwanted feeling. I was near tears, not because of the pain but the memories that came flooding back of the past. The memories of the other times that my back failed me and the destruction that followed. Destruction may be too strong a word but you get the idea.
A bit of history…
I first hurt my back in high school. I remember the doctor gave me pain meds and they were not my friend. I was bumping into walls and extremely light headed. I guess they were too strong so I ended up having to stop and just deal with the pain.
Fast forward to college and I jacked it up again. This time it was a slow process that I felt coming on as I did basic activities. Getting up from sitting was a task and getting out of bed was nearly impossible. I had to roll out in order to not hurt. That worked until one morning when I tried to roll and got stuck. The pain was so intense that I froze and had to call for help. My mom came home and had to call 911. Wait, did we have 911? Well, she called someone and the ambulance showed up to take me to the ER. Getting x-rays done was painful because they made me stretch out and I just wanted to stay curled up in a ball. Just some swelling and they told me to take it easy and bed rest.
You get the idea and see the trend starting I’m sure. This went on for way too many years. I was in and out of the ER in all of the different places we have lived. I never knew what would trigger it. Once I was moving a TV and one wrong twist had me in a wheelchair waiting for techs to do the exact same thing that was done in college.
In 2006 we were living in Fort Drum, Paul was deployed to Afghanistan and I was out with the kids when my back, which had been bothering me, decided it was done. I got the kids (Aaron was 6 and Karina was 2) into the car and when I got into the driver’s seat something didn’t feel right. Sure enough, I couldn’t really move. I drove myself to the Urgent Care on Fort Drum and parked in the ambulance bay to wait for someone to notice me and come tell me to move. They helped me get out which was not an easy task at all. The nurses entertained the kids while I waited for my friends to come help. The Army community is amazing and always there for you. They gave me pain meds and sent me on my way.
One of the worst was in 2011. Paul was deployed and I was just putting gel in my hair before drying it. I flipped my head back up and felt a twinge and I couldn’t move. My mom had to bring the office chair to my room in order to get me to the bed. I had a good friend take me the ER and they gave me some very strong pain meds. I was never the same after this one.
The last blog mentioned my weight and this is when I really started to spiral. I had lost weight and was actually happy with image. Needless to say, this “injury” derailed all of my progress. I wasn’t the same after this one. My back would continue to bother me, getting worse every time, for the next 4 years. I would walk from one side of the house to another and end up in tears from the pain. It takes A LOT for me to cry from pain. This was worse than childbirth.
I felt useless because I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t know how to tell anyone without it sounding like I was weak and whining. I felt like a horrible parent and wife. My back definitely took over my life and kept me from living.
Relief came in 2014 when we moved to Fort Bliss. It didn’t come easy but it came and that’s all that matters. Within a few months of living here I through my back out and was bedridden for almost a month. I had to rely on neighbors I had just met to help me with my kids and getting them to and from school. I didn’t go to the ER because I was tired of just being given pain meds that didn’t work.
My PA here was the best and most proactive Primary Care Manager I have ever had. She immediately got me in for an MRI. I had two bulging discs with tears. I went to physical therapy for 18 months and have had no issues for the past 3+ years.
This is why, when I felt the pain come back while vacuuming, my memories of the all of the bad came back and knocked me on my butt. I am stronger and have strengthened my back with my workouts but some things can’t be helped or avoided. I am so concerned that this is going to lead to another weight spiral and am trying to remain optimistic that if I just watch myself and do the right things, I will be fine in a few days. I can’t go down this horrible road again. It’s bad for me physically, mentally and emotionally.
Why did I write all this down to share? Why does anyone care? You don’t. However, it holds me accountable and reminds me that I am fragile. We are all fragile in some way. It doesn’t matter if we are healthy and go to the gym every single day and do everything right. Our bodies are not perfect and will tell us when it’s time to take a break.
My intentions were to get stronger, healthier and comfortable in my own skin. Needless to say, this setback could take me down but I’m going to try my best to not let it do that to me this time. I’m also hoping that anyone who reads this, there are at least a handful of you, will not feel alone with whatever struggles you may have going on. Just remember that everyone has something they are dealing with and looking for someone who can relate.
Be strong and don’t give up.
